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Wishing Everyone a Politically Incorrect, but Very Delicious, Jewish New Year

5 September 2013 3,126 views 5 Comments

For all of my Jewish readers, and those who are Jew-curious, L’shana Tova! This is a re-post of an email that Seymour, my financial advisor sent over to me (of course my financial advisor is Jewish and named Seymour, right?). And while it’s a bit silly, and a lot inappropriate, I hope it makes you smile.

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As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.

Some Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren’t. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.

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The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah: Feast (Apples and Honey, baby)
Tzom Gedalia: Fast
Yom Kippur: More fasting
Sukkot: Feast for a week +
Hashanah Rabbah: More feasting
Simchat Torah: Keep right on feasting
Month of Heshvan: No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah: Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet: Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B’Shevat: Feast
Fast of Esther: Fast
Purim: Eat pastry
Passover: Do not eat pastry for a week
Shavuot: Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)
17th of Tammuz: Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B’Av: Serious fast (don’t even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul: End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.

There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism: in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism: we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism: I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism: drop the kids off at Sunday school; go out to breakfast.
Twice a Year Judaism: attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

You know you grew up Jewish when:

  • You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was “Princess”
  • You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef “brisket”
  • Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish
  • Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents
  • You’ve experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray
  • You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties
  • You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven
  • You never knew anyone whose last name didn’t end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum)
  • You can look at gefilte fish without turning green
  • You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox
  • You can understand some Yiddish but you can’t speak it
  • You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don’t exactly know what they mean
  • Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?
  • You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout “Are you okay? Are you okay?” through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes
  • You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David

Have a sweet year, everyone!

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  • What_Jew_Wanna_Eat

    HAHA I love this. Happy New Year!

  • http://www.wildandcrazypearl.com/ Emily Goodstein

    We have discussed the brisket/beef issue before. This really happened to me and it was a difficult and eye opening moment.

  • http://Marcos.Kirsch.com.mx/ Marcos

    “You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don’t exactly know what they mean”

    For me, one of the weirdest things about moving to the US was to hear American Jews say Yiddish words with an English accent.

    A gut yor!

  • Chef Veggie

    I must look up yummy Sukkot recipes…my daughter is having the celebration at school soon and would like to bring something traditional, ie. not an asian salad :) Hope you enjoyed some nice apples and honey!

  • Rachel

    Are we doing the Austin->Boston swap again?